Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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