At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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