I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
