I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
The feeling are messing with the penis
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
