forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
