You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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