You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
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