Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
