Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Randomize
