i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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