He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
You ruined the universe
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