I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
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