I murdered the dance floor call the cops
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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