The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
