Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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