im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
