I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Girls should come with a carfax report
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
