I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
