I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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