I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
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