You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
