I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
