can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
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