Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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