i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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