she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Randomize
