I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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