Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
