I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
