hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
