I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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