I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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