a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Randomize
