Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
