yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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