Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I currently don't understand fingers.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
