I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
