He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
