If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
