Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
