he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
