So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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