i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize
