If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
