Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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