She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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