tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
