he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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