i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
