It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
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