I'm drive I can fine osifer
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
