Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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