He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
