You smell like stripper and shame
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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