all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
