im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
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