drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
