if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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