This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Randomize
